Day 6 – Lists

There are two lists.

Boys I have had sex with.

And boys I have loved.

 

One is longer than the other.

 

Parts of my community tell me

That the boys on one will cause me pain

Strip part of me away

And they’re right.

 

They just have the wrong list.

 

There is one name on both,

He broke me the most.

Not when he was inside me –

It was when he was behind me

Doing the washing up.

Our whole future laid out in front of us,

Close enough for me to reach

But never

Quite

Touch.

 

Would it have hurt less?

If we hadn’t had sex?

Or would it just be

One more broken promise

Left for me to sweep up

With the other shattered bits of me

 

Did I hand him the power –

Did I make it okay –

For him to blame me for his “sin”

Use that to take my future away?

To strip away who I was?

 

And while I rebuild

Brick by brick

Taking my time

(Longer that I ever thought)

 

I stop making lists.

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