Day 12 – On the verge

I feel like today has sucked. That isn’t true. For the most part it’s been great – I’ve been working on a really exciting project with an incredible group of young people, and it’s been amazing. But since about 6 o’clock I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack. It’s fluctuated between just some tight anxiety in my chest and “oh my god I need to get out of this room right now, I don’t know why but I do”, but it’s been there. But, because my day had not finished, I spent the three hours in a rehearsal room I really didn’t want to be in trying to talk myself down, and tried not to show that on the inside I was on the verge of collapse. Then everyone left, and I almost started crying with relief. I got a taxi home because I couldn’t face the walk. And now, all I want to do is get into bed and go to sleep, but I can’t because I have set myself this stupid challenge, and I cheated with a haiku yesterday, so today I need to actually write something.


So here is what you get. A thinly censored stream of conscious as I try to make sense of the things my fucked up brain has decided to do today. I’m not brave enough to post an entirely non censored one, even though I’d quite like to. Maybe we’ll get to that point, but probably not.


I shouldn’t have got that taxi. I know I shouldn’t, because I really can’t afford to take a taxi home. I can’t afford anything. I keep looking ahead to these big, dark months of July and August and I just don’t know how I’m going to get through them. I should apply for jobs, for freelance jobs, but I don’t know where to find them, and honestly who is going to hire me anyway? I don’t have the experience or the talent, I’m annoying, and I think I’ve lost my chance with that place. I wasn’t professional enough, I messed up somehow, and anyway the prospect of going back there makes me freeze inside and want to run away screaming, because what if I see her there? I can’t see her. I can’t even think about her, that’s a spiral I am not willing to go down right now, it will just make everything worse. So let’s stop.


But when in life do you accept that you have to work with people you don’t really want to work with – that you don’t see eye to eye with – and when do you decide that it’s okay to walk away from that? Is it different in the creative industries? If I think something is causing me more stress than it’s worth then is it okay to back out? Am I letting people down? Will people be disappointed or offended or annoyed? Will it scupper my future? Will anyone even notice? I’m not sure I have the energy or patience to sacrifice for this right now, but I’m not sure I’m capable as a person to do it and not sacrifice my time/money/health if that’s what it requires. I can’t dedicate the optimum time it requires while still doing the hours I really need to work to afford to live, but I’m not sure I can do the pop in and out thing. If I’m going to commit then I want to commit, but I don’t think I want to commit. It seems like no one else is. Everyone else is making it fit around the rest of their lives, so why shouldn’t I do the same? There is no logical reason. Except for the whole disappointing people, and getting into trouble, and becoming invisible and not being heard. Because if I’m not there I won’t be thought about or taken into consideration, because why would I be.


And there it is, that’s what it all comes down to really. This unwavering belief that I am a non-entity. That I cease to exist in people’s lives and consciousness when I’m not actively imposing my presence on them in some way. And when I am there doing that I take it too far, I push too hard, I make myself unbearable to be around so they find some way to make sure I’m not around any more.


Is that a normal thing to think? Is it part of the human condition? If it isn’t then why does it follow me around? Why can’t I shake it? No matter what I try, no matter what help I seek (don’t let her into your head, don’t let her into your head), it just sits there. Always. It might lie dormant for a bit, but then a message or an offhand comment, a line in a song or a reply I’ve been waiting a little bit too long for, and there it comes, screaming back and I can’t shake it. I just want to get out of my head, out of my body, just claw my way out of myself for a little while just to get some kind of relief, some kind of respite from this circling cycling thought that won’t shut up. And it makes me lonely. I hate so much that it makes me lonely. That I just want someone who will like next to me, and hug me and tell me it’s okay. It’s all okay. Which of course it isn’t. Because I can’t expect someone to put up with this. I can barely put up with this, let alone try to ask another human being to. No one is going to sign on for this.


So maybe I should stop now. Post this before I overthink it and chicken out. Come back to it another time and see if I can at least try and make something worthwhile out of it.


Until then, sleep.

Except obviously not right away because there’s a big pile of washing up by the sink and it’s stressing me out so I have to do it before I can go to bed.  But maybe then.

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