Day 26 – London

I’m spending my day today heading to London to see a show. Well, play really but we all know what I mean. This particular play is something I am so stupidly crazy excited for that I’ve been jumping up and down squealing ever since I got my ticket. A ticket I didn’t think I’d manage to get or afford. And yet here I am on this train, resisting the urge to scream “I’M GOING TO SEE ANGELS IN AMERICA AT THE NATIONAL TONIGHT” in the faces of all of my fellow passengers.
I can’t help comparing today to an incredibly similar trip I made almost exactly 3 years ago. Also to the theatre – Les Mis that time – to see an actress I was desperate to see bu thought I was going to miss out on tickets for. Also incredibly spontaneous. Also at a time when I really needed to get out of Bath to reset my brain. Also on my own (which I guess was appropriate for Les Mis).
I haven’t really been to London in those 3 years, after a phase of going all the time. The trip to Les Mis wasn’t the last time I went, but it was close to it. There are a few reasons I stopped visiting the capital – I’ve had less time and disposable income, my sister doesn’t live there anymore. Most significantly, 3 years ago I broke up with a boy from London. I’d always assumed it was a place I would end up living, but when that break up happened the version of my life the ended with me living in London died. So I stopped feeling the urge to go. Or got to scared to go. I didn’t want to go with other people really – I felt like stepping foot in the city was going to involve me having to face some things I didn’t really want witnesses for. By the same token I really didn’t want to go on my own. I guess I’ve put it off until a day in London with only my own company was something that appealed to me again.
Before anyone thinks it’s really sad that I’m doing this solo, let me be clear. I am so happy in my own company. I will have a much better time because no one has come with me than I would have otherwise. There’ll be a period of about 10 minutes when I’m trying to find somewhere to eat when I’ll wish I had someone with me, purely to combat the social stigma of sitting in a restaurant on your own. But the rest of the time? I can do all of my favourite things if I’m just with me. I can sit and read, or write, or just stick my headphones on and listen to a new musical. I can take the time to straighten out my own thoughts. I asked someone if they were free when I was around to meet up for a drink, and I was so relived when they said no. Today is for resetting my brain, and part of that is looking at where I’ve come from.
3 years ago I couldn’t be alone. I’d forgotten how. It scared me. The things in my head scared me and I didn’t want to be left alone with them. My world had collapsed and I was blaming myself for that. All of my plans, all of the careful control I had placed over my life, had been pulled out from under me and I was scrambling for something to cling on to, but finding nothing. I couldn’t conceive where I was going to go next. I couldn’t imagine another life that I would want. I was heart broken, and angry. I was confused and lost. I guess I’m still a little bit confused and lost, but I think that’s normal. I know myself better now. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I like myself, but I like being in my own company. Maybe that’s the same thing, or as close as you can get while still being aware of your own flaws. I like the way my life looks. There are things about it that I wish were different, but I’m building. I’m still building. Which is okay. Maybe I’ll always be building, but at least I know I have a foundation I can go back to if I need to. I’m never going to have to start from rock bottom again, because I’ve got past there, and I’ve done it on my own, rather than building around someone else. I’m really proud of myself today. I’m proud that I got through it. I’m proud that I didn’t rebound, that I don’t jump from relationship to relationship without remembering who I am on my own first.
This is such a wafflE. But it’s good to just write sometimes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s