Day 49 – Looking for the Reset Button

I’m trying to be positive

I’m trying to be optimistic

I’m trying to fake happy until happy comes

I’m trying all the things that usually work as reset buttons

For my brain.

 

I have tried:

Going to the beach

Getting away for a day

Seeing good theatre

Reading a good book

Not reading anything

Doing things for myself

Doing things for other people

Buying new clothes

Eating chocolate

Sitting in the sun

Driving

Singing

Talking to God

Not talking to god

Talking friends

Spending time alone

Moving furniture

Writing

Focusing on the negative

Focusing on the positive

Taking time off

Stepping away from stuff

Avoiding

Facing

 

Some of them have worked.

But only for a day, maybe two

 

Still I can’t shake the itch in my chest

The restless ache

The weight that sits there

 

The gnawing feeling that I want to be somewhere else

Someone else

The wanting to claw my way out of my body

To not be inside my brain anymore.

To just get away from myself.

 

I know life is always peaks and troughs.

But they seem to be coming faster these days

The peaks feel shorter

The troughs feel deeper

 

I shouldn’t be so surprised when I’m relaxed.

I don’t want my happiness to be notable.

I want to spend an hour with someone

And not feel it’s inflicting

But if I don’t want to be around myself

How can I expect anyone else to?

 

But maybe this is normal

Perhaps it’s part of growing up

And I’m asking for something unrealistic.

Maybe it’s time to just accept

That this is my life

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