Day 50 – Halfway Point Musings

Half way through. That seems like a good point to take a look at how this thing is going so far.

 

Is it getting easier to find something to write every day? No.

Some days it’s easy, and I wake up with an idea worming round in my brain that then makes it’s way onto the page. But the days when that doesn’t happen it’s hard still. If anything it’s getting harder on those days because I don’t have time to form new ideas or plan things out, and I’ve used up a lot of the quick ideas I had before.

I’m not doing a great job of carving out time to write long things. I want to get better at that. I’m slipping very easily into stream of conscious stuff that is very much based on my feelings and experience, and I’d like to do more fiction-y stuff.

I guess I’m finding it easier to write short scenes of dialogue. I’ve found a method of doing it that works for me, and I view most of the scenes I’ve written for this so far as a rough draft/skeleton to be developed further at a later point. Though that kind of relies on me going back and re-reading things which so far I haven’t done. That is kind of down to time though. I need to find some more of it to take stock of what I have and plan out what I can edit and re-work.

I’m definitely finding it easier to put stuff out there for other people to read. I’m not sure I’d go as far as saying I feel comfortable doing it yet (some days I do more than others), but I’m not as scared as I was, and I feel the need to apologise for my work less.

I’ve had people who I haven’t spoken to for a long time to say they’re reading and enjoying what I’m putting out there – reaching out in a real way, starting a conversation – and that has been amazing. Everyone who has spoken to me about it has been incredibly positive and supportive. The things that I’ve poured the most of myself into have been the things that have had the largest response, which has been really interesting for me because I didn’t expect it. I’ve found it easier to be vulnerable about certain things than I expected to, and harder to be open about others. I’ve learnt a lot about the way my brain works, the style of language I enjoy the most, the way I like to write. I thought I’d find prose easiest to write, and I haven’t at all. If anything that’s the hardest, because I’m most inclined to edit as I go, and then I get self-conscious about the work and overthink it, and end up deleting the whole thing. That still happens quite a lot – but less than when I started.

I haven’t stopped being surprised when someone tells me they’ve been reading. I’m still a little bit taken aback and embarrassed (or maybe just self-conscious) whenever it happens and feel the need to explain and make excuses. Hopefully that will fade. There are definitely people who I hope are reading. And people who I hope aren’t, because I think it will be clouding their judgement of me. I am always flattered to know that someone has taken time out of their day to read my ramblings though. So if you have been (and as you’re reading this right now you have) then thank you. So much. It means the world, and I would love know who you are and what you think (positive AND negative, constructive criticism is always helpful and getting better separating who I am from my writing is something I was hoping would be part of this. Don’t be, like, mean though).

I think the main thing I’ve realised though is 100 days is a really fucking long time. I feel like I’ve been doing it forever and I’m only halfway through. I’m both excited to carry on and exhausted. By the same token I’m excited and scared for it to be over.

I have things I think I want to do with the next 50 days. I don’t know how realistic those plans are in terms of time. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

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