It’s the end of a long Sunday, at the end of a long week. A week that’s been full of exciting things, and stressful things. A week that’s made me feel both powerless and hopeful – both in terms of my own life and the future of the world.
What I really want to do right now is sit and mull it all over with my God. Talk it through with him, see what he’s saying to me on all of the things going on in my head, just spend some time hanging out with him. I realise that’s sometimes a hard one to get your head round for someone who isn’t into the whole religion thing, but I can tangibly feel the difference between time spent hanging out with God and dedicated me time. Mainly because if I talk to him, I get a response. A response that might just be a feeling, or a picture, or it might be a sentence. I still get one though.
I’m finding more and more at the moment I want that time to spend sitting and talking, and more importantly listening. I always underestimate the calm it will bring me. But that time is not the same as going to church.
I love my church. I love the people who make it up. It is a community I am incredibly happy and proud to be part of. It brings a lot to my life. But my relationship with my church is not and never has been the same as my relationship with God, and for a while now I’ve felt like I need to step away from the former to focus on the latter. Every week I get to the outside of that building and think about going in. Some weeks I do, some weeks I don’t. The weeks that I don’t I feel guilty. The weeks that I do I feel unfocused. The only way round it that I can find is to trust that God is leading that decision every week.
So tonight, I’m not there. I’ve come home. I’m writing this, because while I don’t massively like sharing the contradictions of my faith publically it feels like the right thing to do. I’m going to light a candle, get out a pen and notepad, and hang out with my God. Because He’s here, wherever I am. In the quiet place that I need.