Something happened today that has made me consider stopping this project.
I mean, lots of things happened today that made me consider stopping this project. A combination of exhaustion, self-consciousness, anxiety (both of the stress kind and the oh, I can’t actually breathe right now kind), feeling shallow and self-absorbed, lack of time, channelling my creativity into other things, having things I want to talk about that are still quite raw and private and I don’t need or want to be public right now, and knowing that the person I really want to talk to I can’t. Or, I could, but would rather work out the way things sit in my head before I say them out loud and can’t take them back. I’m torn between the fear that I’ll regret doing something and the fear that I’ll regret doing nothing, and asking the person who could give me the most informed advice on that would constitute doing something, so… here in limbo I stay.
All of that stuff is relatively normal though, I feel like I can push through it. It hasn’t stopped me so far in life.
The other thing that happened has made me feel uncomfortable in a way I can’t quite explain or describe. It’s also made me aware that this forum makes my words public and allows people to have conversations about them that I have no involvement in or control over. That I don’t like. I mean, I don’t really like being made aware of my lack of control over anything, but this, this thing that is so personal, so deeply mine, to feel like I have no control over that terrifies me.
I know it’s just part of life. I know it’s something I have to accept and get used to. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
As for stopping though. I won’t. And I don’t think I’ll take old things down either. These things come from me, they show my growth, and I’m not ashamed of them. My feelings and opinions may change (the post about Jezza C is a great example, I have definitely hopped on the Corbyn train since writing it), but that doesn’t change the fact that those things were part of me during these 100 days, and part of me that I’ve chosen to put out into the world.