Why does your conversation have to be about sex? Maybe I don’t WANT to have a conversation about sex. You telling me it’s important to have a conversation about makes it a big deal and I don’t want it to be a big deal. I don’t feel the need to endlessly talk about it. I don’t think about it all that much. It isn’t a motivating factor for my decisions or actions. You might think that that’s because I’ve been brought up in a society where we suppress it, and don’t talk about it, and I’m a prude or repressed or just need to get some or whatever. You might want to tell me that. You might be right. Maybe I’m weird compared to everyone else. I don’t find it difficult to go for long periods of time without sex (either with other people or myself). Unless I’m in a relationship, or there is someone I would like a relationship to develop with I don’t feel the need to seek it out. I wouldn’t call myself asexual. I don’t think that I am. That label doesn’t feel like it fits me. It’s not that I don’t want sex, or enjoy it, it’s just that I don’t have the urge for it. It doesn’t feel like it’s worth putting effort into seeking out. (Though, that said, there are some things I don’t enjoy, and the next person to say to me “you just haven’t had anyone do it right yet” is likely to get punched. Without fail that is the response I get. I think I know by now that I don’t enjoy that sensation and you are not some miracle worker, better than all other men, who is suddenly going to “fix” it. Just listen to what I’m saying to you and fucking respect it.)
Seeking it out also involves finding someone I want to have sex with. That also doesn’t happen very often (so if you’re reading this and think I want to have sex with you, you’re either wrong or should be fucking flattered and maybe do something about it). This sounds pretentious but I genuinely don’t find myself attracted to people based on looks. I can objectively recognised that someone is fit, but that’s different to being attracted to someone in a way that means I want to have sex with them. That is totally about personality. Which might be your actual personality, or a slightly fictionalised version that I’ve projected onto you. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve known a guy, not thought he was good looking, and then had a conversation with him and suddenly been super attracted to him. This makes photo based dating options (hi tinder) not ideal for me. Also, I should clarify, I both can and have separate sex from love, and have sex with someone without feeling the need to be their girlfriend. Friends with benefits is totally something I can do (until the friendship is too close and then things get messy…). I’m no more likely to get into my head and become obsessive about that than I will anything else. I WILL get into my head and obsess of course. Almost definitely. But that’s just because that’s what I do. Which is another reason I can live without sex. It’s not worth the anxiety and mental mess it causes in me. Dating isn’t either. If I could have a guarantee that the person liked me, and it would work, then great, but all that uncertainty? Nope. Can’t handle it.
I just realised that – despite having explicitly decided to sit down and write about the way I think about sex – I’m slipping into talk about relationships. I guess that says it all. That’s what matters to me. That’s what I want. A partner. Someone to support me, and take care of me when I need it. Be nice, and kind, and listen, and who I matter to. Someone who thinks about me and remembers me. Sex doesn’t really factor into that. It’s a great ego boost to be wanted. But there are other things I’d so much rather have, that I’d so much rather talk about. Until about 2 years ago I honestly thought that that was normal. That my lack of interest in sex 90% of the time was a universal thing. I have been proved wrong somewhat. So now I’m wondering what effect it will have on me ever being able to find someone. If I’m honest about all this (which clearly is the option I’m going for right now, but this blog doesn’t exactly make a shining dating profile), or if I try to pretend I’m “normal”. I don’t want to have to hide bits of who I am. But I also don’t want to be single forever. And I think I have to chose.