Day 81 – Out there

You can’t have both.

Why not?

Because life doesn’t work like that.

Why doesn’t it?

Because. It just doesn’t. Because I can’t-

-why can’t you? It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything has to change.

Everything WILL change though.

No, it won’t. When I come back everything will be like it is now.

No, it won’t. Nothing will be like it is now. You can’t just fuck off for a year and expect us to still know each other when you come back.

We can talk all the time. Facetime, and call, and–

–and what use is that when we have an argument and you won’t talk about it over facetime. You store up all of the things that are wrong and refuse to address them unless we’re face to face and that’s hard enough now, let alone when face to face is months away. I can’t do that. I just. I can’t do that. It will hurt too much.

What are you saying then? That I can’t go.

No. I’m not saying that.

Then what are you saying?

If you go then I think we have to break up.

So you’re giving me an ultimatum.

No! I’m not–

You are though.

I don’t want to.

Then don’t.

I have to.

Why?

Because! Because I need some semblance of control right now. This is all I can think of to get it. I’m trying to make you understand what this feels like for me.

Well try to understand what it feels like for me. I don’t want to break up with you. I still love you. All I’m asking is to have a little time, to go and do the things I need to do, so I can come back and we can settle down and get married and all of those things.

Can’t you see how that sounds? Like all of those things aren’t exciting or positive or things to want? Like they’re a big sacrifice. I don’t want you to feel like a life with me is a sacrifice. I don’t feel like that. God. If you really feel that way then maybe we should just break up anyway.

No, I don’t want that. I– Take it back.

It’s out there now though isn’t it?

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